I Just Need An Outlet.......

[lejea]

And you are the only one I trust...


I never wanted this to happen, to face this pain head on. So why does pain follow me? Whereever I go? I cry every day now, not able to help the flow...I have no way of showing her I'm here to help. That I love her more than anything. She branches away from me, pulling further and further into herself, and I'm okay with that, but I know that one day she'll need to let it all out, and I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it. I hate seeing her in pain, it shakes me to the core. It makes me tear up, and when she asks why I'm crying, I can't tell her, because she won't allow me to blame myself. I know I'm part of the problem, for what I did before. But I felt alone then, she always went to his house, left me to sit and do nothing. I wasn't getting affection, so I got attention by being bad. Doing wrong things...I couldn't help it. If a child doesn't get the attention they want they get attention any way they can. Doing things I know where wrong was my way of getting her attention. Bringing it back to me...

And now....

I can't help but blame myself. We've become distant since I've come back, and now he's totally pulled away. I don't care if it was me, I just want her to be happy. I want her to know I'll do what I can to help her through this, to allow her joy to overpower my sorrow. I'll be sad if it means she'll be happy. I'll do anything for her. Its a mother, daughter love thing that keeps us going...

She's trying to sidetrack me with buying me things. Shoes, clothes, two kittens, a phone...But she can't hide the pain I see behind her beautiful blue eyes. I always see it. I can read her like no other, I've been with her my whole life, its not that hard, y'know...



I'm sorry FE. I just need to blow off steam, I need a release, and this is the only place I can do it. I trust you all....I can't control my raging emotions, so if I blow up at someone, please forgive me, I can't help it. My life is more complicated than you know...Much more...

I've been through things no child should...And this only adds to my heartbreak...Her's too...

This may not make sense, but when I quit crying so hard, I will try and explain...

Thank you for listening, FE, you're a true friend...

[Haley]

*hug* Oh hun, we're here for you. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm sure we can help no matter what. I'm never good at this, but please realize that we love you. :]

[Hopey]

-hugglesness- I'm sooooorrryyy, LJ. Yeah, I ain't good at this stuff either. xD But, like Poozy said, we'll be there for ya, always. <3 Feel better soon. Oh garsh, I'm treating you like you're sick. Lolz.

[savina]

We all care for you Lejea,and i have had a rough childhood too,let me tell ya...Maybe not as rough as yours,but i completly understand,and am here for ya^^

[Sammy]

LJ, right here if you need to vent. I'll always listen. (PM+Email=FTW)

[lejea]

Thanks everyone...I love you all, really...

I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, and I don't want to put any problems onto another person...

My mom is getting a divorce from an 8 year relationship and it's hitting her pretty hard. I'm trying to help, but she pushes me away thinking to keep me safe from the hurt. And I don't understand why she won't let me help her, and let me be there...

Its just...

...hard to deal with right now, and it's affecting us both really badly...

Thanks for being there for me...

[Sammy]

They do it because they love us. Parents are like that.

You probably don't want to hear me saying I know how you feel, so I won't. But my mum was very much the same - its hard being a seven year old trying to figure out why Mummy drinks herself to the point where you have to drag her to bed and stuff, but hey, I blamed my father. It was easy for a kid to do.

[//A. n a r c h y//]

Another cliché reply…

Sorry to hear bout all that LeJea, I really am. It’s so hard trying to deal with all that stuff, but it’s even harder when you’ve got no one around who knows what it’s like, someone to talk to. My mum and dad divorced when I was only young, my sister and I were forced to choose between parents….that’s something no child should ever have to do. And then at every Christmas and family gathering you have to deal with the tension, the fights, all the screaming. I remember one Christmas, we all went to my dad’s house. Within the first hour of us being there, my mum and dad were at each other’s throats. In the end, the decision was given to me and my sister of either staying with dad, or going home with mum….I stayed and my sister left. It took nearly a month before my mum even saw fit to look me in the eyes after that. It never really gets easier in that respect.
But I realized after a while that no matter how much you blame yourself, it won’t help, it just won’t. In the end, everything we face makes us who we are. It might be hard to see it now, but things will get better, they usually always do.
I guess all you can do for your mum is be there for her, and let her know that you need each other. At least that way you can draw from each others strengths.

Hope that helped just a little bit ^^

[lejea]

Thanks, Sammeh. I don't too much like hearing that others are in pain, so I try to channel it out. But its kinda hard to avoid when it's my mom...And Elli...Anarchy. You always had a way to say something good while typing it bad. XD But thanks, it did help. All of you did...